Wizarding for Beginners Read online

  FOR CHRIS-BEARD MUSE. OH, AND ALSO FOR MY MUM

  Chapter 1

  There was once a dragon. A dragon called Dave. Not only was Dave a dragon, he was also a brave and fearless knight. Aided by his trusty steed, a goat named Albrecht, Dave performed the most heroic of deeds. He defeated villains, saved entire kingdoms, and awoke sleeping princesses…

  … but there was none of that happening right now because it was a Tuesday, and that’s when Dave had his book club.

  Dave and Albrecht had been living happily in Castletown ever since Dave got his knighthood and Albrecht had agreed to stay on as Dave’s trusty steed and life coach. They were even getting involved with the local community, hence the book club. Dave had been looking forward to discussing the new romance novel they’d been reading, but Albrecht just wouldn’t keep quiet.

  “Albrecht!” said Dave. “You know, usually I’d be happy to listen to your stories, but right now we’re trying to…”

  Dave was interrupted by the mail coming through the door.

  “Wunderbar!” yelled Albrecht as he picked up the letters. “I have ordered some new fur cream to get the best shine, and my subscription to Outlandish Adventurers is due today. It’s the issue where they interviewed me about my new steed work and there is a picture of me…”

  Albrecht suddenly went quiet, which was not a very Albrecht thing to do.

  Dave tottered over to see if everything was all right.

  “Mein Dave,” said Albrecht. “Look! They have sent another one.”

  Albrecht flipped the postcard over.

  “Dumme goats!’ ” said Albrecht. “Do they not know I cannot understand them!”

  The rest of the book club, consisting of Mildred the Bearded Lady and Boil Man (he has boils), came over to see what the commotion was about.

  “Who can’t you understand?” said Mildred.

  “It is my family,” said Albrecht. “All they can say is ‘bah, bah, bah.’ I think they are trying to invite me to weddings and send them Christmas cards, but I just do not know. When I was a kid I was just one of the herd, until that wizard cast a spell on me and made me talk. It was a curse with mixed blessings—I have the gift of speech but can no longer converse with those who know me best—my own kin! I am a great adventurer, steed, and life coach, but I can no longer understand my own family and it is clear that they no longer understand me. It is my greatest regret that I cannot tell them all of my super amazing stories.”

  “I really think you should just go and see them,” said Dave. “You’ll probably have loads in common, like making lots of noise and eating everything, even if you don’t speak Goat.”

  “Pah—I am no longer one of the herd. My life is too different now. I don’t want to talk about it anymore—thinking of that wizard, Terrence the Terrible, is bringing back bad memories!” Albrecht sniffed.

  “Are you okay?” asked Dave.

  “Of course I’m okay! Nothing fazes a professional adventure-goat like me! Now let’s all look at the picture of me in Outlandish Adventurer…”

  “Albrecht, you’re avoiding the subject,” said Mildred. “You should really talk about this with someone. You’re not the only animal Terrence the Terrible made talk. His Royal Highness, Gilbert the Frog, has started a Talking Animal Support Group. It’s just about to start up at the castle, so get out of here and then we can actually get on with our book club.”

  CHAPTER 2

  Over at the castle, Albrecht joined in the Talking Animal Support Group. It was a safe space where talking animals could discuss their feelings about the terrible wizard who made them this way. Also, there were donuts.

  It was actually a pretty good meeting. HRH Gilbert the Frog, married to Princess Rubella, let them use the castle hall because Rubella and the King were away on their annual father and daughter fishing trip. Everyone was friendly, and there were even the donuts with sprinkles that Albrecht liked. Plus, he was learning so much more about the wizard, Terrence…

  Finally, it was Albrecht’s turn.

  “We have a new member of our support group,” said Gilbert. “This is Albrecht. Say hello, everyone.”

  “Hello, Albrecht,” all the animals said together.

  Albrecht stood up. “Guten Tag! I am Albrecht, and I am a talking animal. I would like to tell you about my picture in Outlandish Adventurer.”

  “Actually, Albrecht,” interrupted Gilbert, “do you think you could talk about the wizard first?”

  “Well, there was a frog and a potion, and then I could talk!”

  “I escaped and ran back to my family, but they couldn’t understand me, so I had to leave. It was then that I realized that the only goat I could rely on was me.”

  Albrecht was interrupted by the door banging open and some uninvited guests striding in.

  CHAPTER 3

  “Fear not fellow talking animals, Albrecht will single-handedly save the day!” Albrecht leaped out of his seat, ready for battle.

  Albrecht sped through Castletown to get home and find Dave. He hadn’t run like this since his time in the Olympics! Then, he’d gotten a silver medal with only a little cheating.

  Albrecht flung himself through the door and Dave looked alarmed. “Albrecht! Are you okay? You’re sweatier than usual.”

  “Tiger… wizard… fox assistant… donut attack… animals gone!” Once Albrecht caught his breath and started making sense, he explained to the book club what had happened.

  “You and Dave will have to go to the Guild of Wizards and rescue those animals!” said Mildred. “I can’t go, I have my Foundlings School for Girls with Mustaches to take care of, and Boil Man is kind of unreliable.”

  “The thing with the cart crash, and the spillage, and the escaped sheep, and the forest fire wasn’t my fault!” said Boil Man.

  “And you are well-known around here for being adventurous heroes with no fear of danger,” added Mildred.

  “I’m actually not a big fan of danger. I’m more of a moderate risk kind of dragon…” said Dave.

  Albrecht waved his hooves dramatically. “I can go alone!”

  “No,” said Dave. “We’re a team. I’m coming, too.”

  “Fine, but only because it will be a good learning experience for you, kleiner Dave. We’ll need disguises of course,” declared Albrecht.

  “Then we’ll have to convince the Guild of Wizards that we’re wizards, too! I have just the thing to help. I was saving this for next month’s book club, but we might need to read it now.” Dave pulled something off the bookshelf.

  CHAPTER 4

  “If we borrow a couple of beards from Mildred, and stick a few stars on our pajamas, those wizards will never know we’re not with them!”

  After borrowing a few things from Mildred and from Boil Man’s costume box, they were ready. The results were surprisingly convincing, if you ignored how green Dave was, and the fact that Albrecht was a goat.

  “I really think we should practice some magic, Albrecht. What if there’s a test?” said Dave. “There are sample spells in the book, and we could have a study party on the journey!”

  “Pfft! Albrecht has no need of dummkopf wizard rubbish or boring parties! I shall spend the time re-styling my fabulous beard.”

  Typical Albrecht, thought Dave. He flipped open the book and sat down to read as they set out for the Guild of Wizards.

  CHAPTER 5

  “Those wizards must love signs,” said Albrecht as they walked through the gates, toward the Guild of Wizards.

  “It looks like they have a lot of rules,” said Dave. “Let me check the book.”

  Absolutely NO girls allowed

  Beards required

  Everything stops for meals

  Hats required
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br />   No running, except on Thursdays, when running is required

  Luggage must not exceed 21 x 15 x 4in

  No shoes on the carpet unless it’s a full moon

  If your name begins with A-M, keep off the grass

  If your name begins with N-Z, do not leave the grass

  “There are another eighty-four pages of these!” said Dave.

  “I have no time for other people’s rules,” said Albrecht. “We must get inside and find the animals. I gave them my word. I will scale the walls, shimmy along the roof, lower myself down by rope into an upstairs room, and pretend I have been there all along.”

  “Or we could ring the doorbell?” said Dave.

  They opted for Dave’s method. After a few rings, the door was opened by a group of elaborately bearded men in pointy hats.

  The wizard at the front gave them a suspicious look. “You’re not girls, are you? Girls are most definitely not allowed in here.”

  No girls! thought Dave. What rubbish! Dave puffed himself up, ready to give the wizard a piece of his mind, when Albrecht stepped in.

  “We are dumme wizards just like you! Look at our incredible beards. No girl has these.”

  “Try and tell Mildred that,” whispered Dave.

  “Shhhh Dave!” Albrecht put a hoof over Dave’s mouth. “We are but two traveling wizards on our way to a beard convention. Maybe you kind brother wizards will give us a bed for the night?”

  The wizard looked skeptical. “What are your names?”

  Albrecht made introductions, but the wizard wasn’t satisfied. “No, what are your wizard names? For instance, I’m The Amazing Arnold, this is Miraculous Mark, and that’s The Wondrous Clive.” Albrecht knew exactly what his wizard name should be.

  “Never heard of you. To prove you’re really wizards you must demonstrate your magic! Any trick will do.”

  Dave knew it! There was always a test. For that reason, he had been practicing pulling a bunch of flowers out of his sleeve during the whole trip there. Dave assumed the position.

  “It’s rubbish, but I suppose it’s magic,” said Arnold. “Tall one, it’s your turn!”

  Albrecht hadn’t practiced any magic, so Dave didn’t think this would go well.

  All the wizards broke into applause. “I have never seen anything so exotic!” said Arnold. “Have you ever considered doing it at parties?”

  Dave was quite annoyed that Albrecht’s silly balloon trick had impressed them more than his magic, but at least they would be allowed inside now.

  Arnold led them into the entrance hall.

  “Welcome, chaps! Now, you must come to dinner. It starts in about 8.2 minutes and Rule 482 does mention that it’s required.”

  Albrecht rolled his eyes at the mention of rules as Arnold continued. “And I should mention that we’re having just a little bit of a tiger problem at the moment, so sorry about the mess.”

  Arnold stopped to fuss over some claw marks in the woodwork as Dave and Albrecht started whispering.

  “Albrecht!” said Dave. “This must be the tiger that helped kidnap the other animals!”

  “Ja, which means we must be in the right place! Let’s go and find him now!” Albrecht cried.

  “Now, now, Albrecht,’ ” said Dave, holding Albrecht back. “Rules are rules. First, we dine.”

  CHAPTER 6

  As he sat down at the long dining table, Dave decided to have a quick look at the Dinnertime Rules in the book before the soup was served. It all seemed very complex.

  “Shortest Wizard wears the Teatime Hat!” yelled Arnold over the ketchup. “Someone pass Dave the Pretty All Right the mustard.”

  “Oh my!” said Dave. “Wait, what do you mean short?”

  Dave didn’t have much time to think about his new hat because just at that moment someone had decided to make a flashy entrance.

  Dave stared. “That tiger is a tad bigger than I expected, but he’s probably just a really big pussycat, right?”

  Barry growled, pounced on Arnold, and took a big bite out of his hat.

  “Oh!” said Dave.

  “I say, Terrence!” said Arnold from under Barry. “I don’t think that’s quite fair!”

  Terrence snickered. “I don’t think it’s against The Rules now, is it Arnie? Reginald, what would you say?”

  Terrence’s Assistant Fox peered over his spectacles and said, “No Sir, Guild Rules do not mention tigers, only lions, sharks, and hedgehogs.”

  Dave looked over at Albrecht and noticed that he had turned very pale.

  Through gritted teeth he said to Dave, “I do not know how I can just sit here like a dummkopf and watch that life-ruining wizard bully people! I should go and show him the skills I learned during my time as a super ninja! I have hooves of steel…”

  “No, Albrecht! We must bide our time. Staying in disguise might help us find the animals without getting into a huge fight.”

  “But huge fights are mein best thing!”

  Dave put a hand on Albrecht’s arm and noticed he was shaking. “Do some of the breathing exercises Mildred taught you. Go to your happy place.”

  As Dave was trying to get Albrecht to do a little meditation, he noticed one wizard who obviously hadn’t gone to their happy place. While all the others cowered into their badger soup, this one hopped up onto the table.

  Terrence’s face turned a little purple.

  “Oh, is that what you think, Wizard Brian!? Well, don’t you know that the junior wizard is required to shut their stupid mouth when a more awesome wizard is talking?”

  “Rule 1,887 does state, and I quote, that ‘all junior wizards must respect their elders, even if they are idiots,’ ” added Reginald.

  “Exactly!” said Terrence. “I am the eldest and therefore, the most senior wizard. You have to do what I say! Now, Barry needs his dinner and, of course, all rule breakers must be punished. Barry, EAT THAT WIZARD!”

  “Erm,” said Arnold from the floor, “really, a punishment should be decided by the Council, and it’s more like litter picking or no dessert.”

  “That kitty isn’t really going to eat the wizard is he?” Dave whispered to Albrecht.

  As Terrence dissolved into a fit of fairly evil giggles, Barry leaped across the table and swallowed Wizard Brian whole.

  “Really!?” said Dave.

  CHAPTER 7

  “That is not a nice kitty!” said Dave.

  “I agree that these are not good table manners,” said Albrecht. “Tigers and wizards, mein Dave, they’re both as bad as each other, but that Terrence is the worst!"

  “We’ve got to do something!” said Dave. “There’s got to be a spell or something in the book.”

  “Perfect!” said Dave. “I’m not sure that we have quite the right ingredients here, so I’ll have to improvise.”

  Once Dave had finished his potion, he waved the bowl in the direction of Barry. “Hey, Mr. Tiger! I’ve got the perfect second course. I call it… Really Very Nice Wizard-Flavored Soup!”

  “Oh, how did you know? My favorite!” said Barry, who promptly ate the soup, bowl and all.

  Barry ran out of the room, probably looking for a bathroom.

  “Well, that wasn’t what I expected, but I suppose it kind of worked,” said Dave.

  Terrence was not pleased.

  “Why would anyone respect him?” said Albrecht. “Not only is that dummkopf a bully, he is so wound up it’s like he is wearing underpants six sizes too tight.”

  All the other wizards tittered with laughter.

  “You’re all MORONS!” said Terrence. “As soon as I find Barry you’re all going to be tiger meat!”

  He overturned his soup bowl, gave poor sticky Brian a kick, and stormed out of the room. With a sigh, Reginald followed.

  CHAPTER 8

  “Are you okay?” Dave asked a slightly dazed and somewhat wet Wizard Brian.

  “I was just eaten by a tiger, but apart from that I’m just fine,” said Brian, taking a seat at the tab
le and dabbing at his beard with a napkin.

  “You’re very brave and sticky for a junior wizard,” said Albrecht.

  “I’m only the junior wizard because the rules say so! I am working on becoming the best wizard ever, don’t you know.”

  “Kleiner Brian,” said Albrecht. “I like you. You remind me of a young, dashing me with your ambitions and gooey beard. Now, can you tell us more about Terrence the Terrible. What’s his deal?”

  “Oh, Terrence! We all hate him. He stole Ian the Illusionist’s pencil case, he pantsed the Amazing Arnold last Tuesday, not to mention letting his tiger eat me just now! No one will stand up to him because of the stupid rules.”

  “We want to stand up to him!” said Dave. “In fact, we’ve heard a rumor that he has kidnapped a load of innocent animals, who we want to rescue! Do you know where he might be keeping them?”

  “He’s certainly up to some super sneaky stuff,” said Brian, thoughtfully. “Terrence is always hidden away in his private rooms, working on something, but he won’t tell us what. I’ve never been up there.”

  “Mein Brian, is there anyone who knows how to get to that dummkopf Terrence’s rooms?” asked Albrecht.

  “Mabel, do you know the way up there?” asked Brian.

  Dave and Albrecht looked around to see where exactly Mabel might be until some irritated coughing from underneath Brian caught their attention.

  “Oh, hello!” said Dave. “You must be the junior wizard’s chair. I’ve read about you in the rule book.”

  Mabel sighed. “People are always forgetting I’m here. It’s because I’m a chair. Or is it because I’m a pig? Anyway, I don’t like talking about Terrence! If he finds out I’ve been talking about him, he’ll lock me away with the other animals again! I much prefer being a chair.”