Knighthood for Beginners Read online

  THIS IS FOR MOUTHWASH, SNAKES AND LADDERS, ANYONE WEARING A SPECIAL HAT, AND EVERYONE WHO’S AS DYSLEXIC AS I AM.

  Prologue

  There was once a dragon. A dragon called Dave. He lived high in the mountains surrounded by the bones of those who had dared to trespass near the dragons’ caves. He was the most terrible of dragons, with scales, and teeth, and horns, and feet …

  . . . no, wait. Hang on a minute. I don’t mean that kind of terrible. I mean he was terrible at being a dragon.

  • • •

  You see, all dragons must abide by Dragon Lore.

  A dragon must hoard gold, gems, and all riches. He must manage it wisely and keep it tidy.

  A dragon shall tell riddle after riddle with vigor!

  A dragon must feast on nothing but villages.

  A dragon must knit, because of all crafts, knitting is the f iercest..

  To be honest, no one really understands about the knitting thing, but they do it anyway because that’s the way it’s always been.

  Every dragon must master the Lore by the time they come of age and take their Dragon Test. When he’s passed the test a young dragon will receive his certificate and become a fully licensed dragon.

  No one has ever failed.

  But Dave might be the first.

  • • •

  He’d been up all night studying, and first thing that morning Dave’s parents came in and said they needed to have a “serious talk.”

  “Listen Dave,” said his fearsome father. “As you know, you come from a very old dragon family. We’re a proud line of the most dragony of dragons. There was your grandfather who had the biggest hoard since records began, Cousin Myrtle who once ate six villages in a row, and your Uncle Kevin who knitted that lovely hat.”

  “What we’re trying to say,” said Dave’s massive green mother, “is that you’ve had the finest education, the best knitting tutor a gold hoard can buy, we’ve taken you to gourmet villages, and taught you our most cryptic riddles. We’ve tried our best to make sure you’re ready, but your father and I both know you’ve never been the most talented dragon.”

  “You spend too much time reading those books and not enough time actually being a dragon!” said Father.

  Dave has a thing about books. It all started when Dave was a baby and his parents went on a village-tasting tour. They left him with his Great Aunt Maud, who was a librarian. (Even dragons need librarians.)

  It had a big effect on him.

  And ever since then, Dave feels about books the way everyone else feels about their favorite teddy bear. If they’re not a dragon.

  Dave’s father bent down and looked him in the eye. “When did you last set fire to anything?! Have you eaten a single village? And you never even finished knitting that pom-pom hat…”

  Mother shot Father a stern look. “Now, Rupert, we said we were going to be calm about this. David, today is your Dragon Test and it’s very important to us that you get your certificate.”

  “Get out there and eat a village, son,” said Father.

  “And don’t forget your yarn!” said Mother.

  “Assume your positions!” yelled the Dragon Test examiner.

  Dave looked at the other dragons. Maybe I don’t have much experience, but I’ve read EVERY book there is, he thought. How bad can it be?

  It turned out to be pretty terrible. Here are some snippets from Dave’s report card:

  Hoard Management: Dave was very well informed about hoard history but had not collected any gold of his own. Only treasure can be graded. FAIL.

  Basic Knitting Skills: Dave’s attempts were enthusiastic but ineffective. FAIL.

  Riddling 101: Dave was unable to say his riddle due to stage fright. He was asked to get down before he had a little accident. FAIL.

  Village Digestion: Dave did not manage to eat any of the village despite parental encouragement.

  He commented that “it made him feel sicky.” FAIL.

  And so Dave became the first dragon ever to fail to get their Dragon Certificate. He was devastated and so were his parents.

  Dave had never felt so ashamed. Or so hungry. (There is no dessert if you don’t eat all your village.) Dave knew an uncertified dragon cannot remain in the dragons’ caves, and because he wouldn’t be allowed to retake the test, he would have to leave the mountains forever.

  Dave bid his parents a goodbye that was both teary and snotty in equal measure, and made his way down, over the bits of discarded armor and charred bones of people who had foolishly tried to climb the mountain to the dragons’ caves. He was just kicking away another helmet covered in tooth marks when he spotted something in the rubble.

  It was a book.

  Dave read the introduction. It was a book about knights. Brave, helpful, kind knights who never had to do any knitting.

  He suddenly knew what he should be doing with his life.

  All he had to do was follow this easy-to-use, step-by-step guide.

  He sat down and began to read the first chapter…

  CHAPTER 1

  The first thing every knight needs is a trusty steed. Select your steed based on physique, glossiness, attitude, and good looks. An eye for adventure is a bonus. Remember, the best knights have the best steeds.

  A steed! How do I get one of those? thought Dave. Where do they live when they’re not with their knights? They probably hang out in fields swapping stories of adventure, lifting weights, and being fancy! I need to find one and convince it to be MY steed.

  Luckily for Dave, the kingdom had a booming trade in used steeds, so it wasn’t long before he came across a field containing exactly what he was looking for.

  So many steeds! thought Dave. And I see the perfect one. He’s got all the things the book recommends!

  Dave was very excited to have already completed step one.

  Dave jumped on his steed of choice.

  “Wait! STOP!” yelled the steed, skidding to a halt. “How dare you! I am Albrecht! Adventurer, Explorer, Trendsetter, and Goat!”

  Dave fell off with a bump, but he was too shocked even to care because THE STEED HAD SPOKEN!

  “But we don’t talk about the wizard thing! It’s a painful memory. Now how come you can talk mein kleiner grüner friend, and why are you riding me?” said Albrecht.

  “Everyone knows dragons can talk!” said Dave. “We also enjoy riddles, knitting, and occasionally eating villages, but I’ve not been much good at any of those. I chose you to be my trusty steed because you’ve got all the things the book said a steed should have. A physique, glossy coat, attitude, and good looks.”

  “I am very good looking and glossy,” said Albrecht. “I was voted Miss Farmyard three years in a row. What is this book that describes me so well?”

  Dave showed Albrecht the book. He studied it for some time and Dave was very impressed that not only could his steed talk, but he could read too. And admittedly he was very glossy.

  “Knighthood eh? You’re training to be a knight, kleiner drache? Why?” asked Albrecht.

  “Yes! I’m terrible at being a dragon,” said Dave. “So terrible that I’m the only dragon ever to fail the Dragon Test. If I become a knight I won’t have to hoard gold, eat villages, or knit anything. I can be brave, helpful, kind, and have adventures!”

  “ADVENTURE!” said Albrecht. “The finest of things! I do love adventure.”

  Once Albrecht had calmed down and stopped prancing, he had a think. “Hmmmm, I have been many things but never have I been a steed. You remind me of my younger self, mein dorf esser, and I think I can help you on your quest. Enough of the rural life! I will come out of retirement to be your mentor, trainer, life coach, and spirit guide! And trusty steed, of course.”


  To be honest Dave was finding this goat a tad confusing, but when you’ve found a steed this glossy you don’t question it.

  “I’m sure we’ll be a great team,” said Dave. “Now we should really follow the other steps in the book. Could you help me with number two?”

  A suit of armor is a must for any knight. The advantage of armor is that it provides protection from all things pointy, and is also conveniently wipe-clean. Make sure any armor can be easily removed in case you should need the bathroom on short notice. Armorers can usually be found in towns situated near castles. Find your bonus 10% off armor coupon in the back of this book!

  “Aha!” said Albrecht. “I know where to get armor. We’ll need to go to Castletown but we must be very careful, small dragon. I have a feeling this might be dangerous for you.”

  CHAPTER 2

  As Albrecht and Dave rode into town it became apparent that this was perhaps not the most welcoming of places.

  “Okay!” said Dave, carefully tearing the coupon out of the back of the book. “I’m off to find the armorer. The book says I should tie you up next to a water trough while I’m away being knightly…”

  “Halt, impetuous scaly one!” cried Albrecht. “Are you not looking?! This is not a place of dragon friendliness. Also, Albrecht does not drink from troughs. In my warlord days I used to drink from the skulls of my enemies! Now take cover SCHNELL!”

  In a place of safety, Albrecht and Dave discussed their next move.

  “I know we dragons have a bad reputation but surely this is overdoing it,” said Dave.

  “Perhaps the armorer is a more friendly sort of person? If I explain my quest nicely I’m sure he’ll help.”

  “No Dave,” said Albrecht. “I do not think he would help.”

  “But this is a disaster!” said Dave. “The book says I must have armor if I’m going to be a knight. And I don’t think I’m a standard size, I’ll need custom-made armor! Oh, and the coupon… it’s just such a good deal.”

  “Do not worry scaly one,” said Albrecht. “I know how to get you some kleine Dave armor. You stay out of sight and Albrecht will take care of it…”

  Albrecht knew the mighty battle ahead would require all of his skills. It began with a contest of strength and determination…

  …then of style and grace…

  …and finally, a battle of wits and cunning.

  At last Albrecht emerged victorious!

  Back outside the tavern, Dave was thrilled with his nearly-new suit of armor.

  Just as Dave got his moustache on straight, he found himself covered by a huge shadow. It belonged to a knight. A big knight. Actually, a really massive knight.

  “He must have eaten an entire village on his own to get that big!’ said Dave.

  “Pff, he’s not that big,” said Albrecht. “I once knew a whale that was twice the size of him…”

  “We didn’t steal any armor. My name is Dave, and this is my trusty steed Albrecht, and I’m trying to become a knight…”

  “A KNIGHT!’ cried Gnasty. “A tiny, little, green man like you! HA! That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. As the King’s Chief Knight and enforcer, I’m arresting you both for armor theft, being weirdly green, and smelling kind of goaty.”

  “Dave does not smell goaty!” Albrecht yelled as they were marched off.

  “Don’t worry,” said Dave. “I’ve still got the book.”

  CHAPTER 3

  “Get in there, thieves!” shouted Sir Gnasty as he flung Dave and Albrecht into the disturbingly slimy castle dungeon.

  “But really we didn’t steal the armor!” said Dave. “We won it.”

  “It was a regulation game of snakes and ladders!” added Albrecht.

  “Knights just don’t steal,” said Dave.

  “Stop with this knight talk!” said Gnasty. “Anyway, I must be off to plot against the King, I mean, er, have lunch.”

  And he slammed the door and stomped off down the passage.

  “That knight is ÜBER awful but it could be worse,” said Albrecht. “I was once imprisoned in the tallest of towers. I had to grow my hair so long and convince a prince I was marriage material. Crazy times!”

  “That’s . . . interesting,” said Dave. “There must be something in the book about escaping from dungeons.”

  Dave pulled the book from its hiding place and started flipping through its pages. “Yes! Look here. There are even diagrams! I love diagrams.”

  During a quest it is not uncommon for even the most experienced knight to become entangled in some misunderstanding resulting in unfair imprisonment. Reasons for imprisonment can include:

  • Capture by enemy

  • Mistaken identity

  • Offending kings

  • Parking violations

  • Flashy dressing

  • Bad dancing

  • Picking your nose and eating it

  In the case of no conveniently-sleeping jailers or easily-discovered secret passages there’s a simple solution. Use your knightly strength! See diagram below:

  Dave hauled himself up and fixed his gaze on the door. “Okay, I’m going to do this. I’m going to use my knightly strength!”

  “Meine Dave,” said Albrecht, “that door is very big and solid and you are so small and green . . .”

  But Dave had already stepped back . . . he focused… then he ran like the wind . . . and gave a mighty leap . . . !

  “Ow,” said Dave.

  Before Dave could see straight again, the door creaked open and in walked the jailer with their evening meal.

  “Good evening prisoners,” said the jailer. “We have a wide selection of slop available today. There’s the Classic Brown slop, always a favourite. The 1542 Chunky Yellow, an excellent vintage. The XXX Super Hot Chilli slop, not for the faint-hearted. If you’re feeling brave, we have Mystery Slop, and today’s Slop of the Day is: Green.”

  “I’ll take a bowl of the 1542 Yellow and a XXX Super Hot for my fiery friend,” said Albrecht.

  “Very good, sir. Welcome to the dungeons and I hope you enjoy your stay,” said the jailer, locking the door behind him.

  “But we don’t need slop!” said Dave. “We need to escape!”

  “If life has taught me anything it’s never say no to a free bowl of slop,” said Albrecht, enthusiastically eating the chunks out of his Yellow. He handed the other bowl to Dave.

  “I’m never going to be a knight if I’m stuck in here!” Dave flung his bowl across the room. It smashed onto the ground with an appropriate SLOP! noise and Dave went to sulk in the corner.

  Albrecht was only halfway through his slop (he still wasn’t 100% sure what the chunks were, but they had a not unpleasant fish/socks/breath mint flavor to them) when he heard a sizzling sound coming from the floor.

  He turned to look. “Dave my kleine suppe werfer! With your XXX Super Hot Chilli slop, I think you found our way out. GENIUS!”

  CHAPTER 4

  In another part of the castle, Sir Gnasty had chosen the King’s bathtime as the perfect moment to launch his evil plan.

  Just as Dave and Albrecht slid their way up a drainpipe and out into the light, Gnasty and his Army of Evil crashed through the King’s bathroom door.

  Everyone looked a little shocked.

  “How did they get in here?!” asked Gnasty. “We can’t possibly stage this kidnapping in front of witnesses . . . ! Erm, I mean, your Majesty! I was just waiting to be of assistance and definitely not plotting your downfall. Let me deal with those prisoners.”

  Albrecht shook toilet water off his now not-so-glossy coat and addressed the King with an overly fussy bow. “Your Majesty, I must throw myself upon your mercy! I am but a simple goat/steed/life coach accompanying young Dave on his quest to become a knight…”

  “Sire, they are thieves!” Gnasty butted in.

  “I won that armor fair and square!” shouted Albrecht getting angry. “Sir Ironpants is a terrible snakes and ladders player!”

  �
��Wait!” said Dave. “Your Kingness, Sir! If I could just have a word? My dream is to be a knight. I’ve been reading a lot about them and knights are good, kind, and honest so I wouldn’t ever steal! Is there some way I can prove myself?”

  “Hmmm,” the King considered. “I like the way you toilet chaps work. I’m impressed by your daring, if stinky, escape from my dungeons, and I admire your pale green complexion.”

  “If you can beat all my knights in single combat then I will make you a knight, Dave my boy. Tomorrow I will hold a tournament!”

  “Is that a thing?” Albrecht asked Dave.

  Dave gasped. “Yep, look here, under ‘special circumstances.’ If you win a tournament, the King has the power to grant an instant knighthood.”

  CHAPTER 5

  Early the next morning, Dave was already up and studying hard. “I’ve been reading about tournaments and single combat and hitting people with swords. There’s so much to learn. Just look at all this…”

  “And that’s just one page!” said Dave.

  Albrecht snatched the book away. “Dave, as your trusty steed I am confiscating this book! We do not have to do things the dummkopf knight way. We shall solve this using our GENIUS, not ridiculous hitting.”

  Dave was about to protest, but it was time to head out to the jousting field.